Marriage Jokes in English

Marriage Jokes in English

  • A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!” Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
  • A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
  • Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
    Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”
  • I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
  • Teacher: “Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?”
    Student: “A heart attack.”
  • Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
  • A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
  • A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
  • Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.
  • Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?”Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”

Marriage-Jokes-with-ImagesMarriage Jokes with Images

Short-and-Funny-Marriage-JokesShort and Funny Marriage Jokes

  • “I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”“But honey, what about our child?”“What child?!”

    “Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

  • A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
  • Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?Because there’s a wedding going on.But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?

    Exactly, son.

  • Despite protests, I put a high-voltage electric fence around my property.

    My wife’s dead against it.
  • What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed & goes to the fridge.
  • A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
  • A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” His wife says, “Take half and leave your ass!” The man replies, “Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!”
  • Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

    A trip to Thailand?

    Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

    Then I pick you up again.
  • “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
  • Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Husband-and-Wife-JokesHusband and Wife Jokes

  • Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”
  • My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
  • I received an invitation to a wedding. I answered: Maybe next time. Thanks.
  • A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
  • I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
  • Me as best man:
    I heard the best man’s speech should last as long as the groom lasts in bed. Thank you very much for your attention. Enjoy the wedding.
  • A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
  • Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

    A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.
  • My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.
  • My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.
  • One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.
  • I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

    But she figured out I was only after my money.

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