Lawyers Jokes in English

Lawyers Jokes in English

  • “I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
    “Why do you say that?”
    “Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25’.”
  • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
  • What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
    A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
  • What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
  • When the man in the street says: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” the lawyer writes:
    “Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”
  • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
  • A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”
    The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”
  • A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
    “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?””The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
  • What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?The vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside.
  • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
  • A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
    “That’s unfair !” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.””Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

Law-Jokes-with-ImagesLaw Jokes with Images

Funny-Law-JokesFunny Law Jokes

  • What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
    Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
  • Why did God invent lawyers?So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
  • How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
  • When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.”
  • What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
  • A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
  • The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
  • What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
    A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
  • Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
    A: A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
  • Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while, you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
  • What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
    A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
  • Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
    A: Accountants know they’re boring.
  • A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.””You are the lawyer.” said the policeman.

    “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replied the lawyer.

  • Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
    A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Harmless Lawyer JokesHarmless Lawyer Jokes

  • Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

    The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

  • Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
    A: Not enough cement
  • A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

    “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator”.

  • Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
    A: Accountants know they’re boring.
  • Q: What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
    A: One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
  • A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.”Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
  • I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my solicitor and said “I want to sue the airline”“You haven’t got much of a case”, he replied
  • Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
    A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
  • A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got £25 between us.”

    The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we had £100 when we broke in!”

  • Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
    A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
  • A man asks his Solicitor: ‘If I give you £400, will you answer two questions for me?’The solicitor replies: ‘Absolutely! What’s the second question?’
  • Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.

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