Doctors Jokes in English
- In the operation theatre:
Patient: Doctor, please do the operation safely. This is my first operation.
Doctor: It’s my first operation too.
- A busy dentist and a patient:
Patient: Doctor, my teeth…
Doctor: I know what to do. Open your mouth.
When the patient opened his mouth and the dentist pulled three of his front teeth.
Patient: What have you done?!
Doctor: Its weird, I pulled three of your teeth without any bleeding.
Patient: Those were fake teeth.
- Patient: You couldn’t treat my malaria disease, don’t I have cancer?
Doctor: No, why do you think that?
Patient: Another doctor treated my friend as a malaria patient, but he died on cancer.
Doctor: Relax, I don’t do much mistakes. If I treat anyone as a malaria patient, he always dies due to malaria.
- A man speaks frantically on phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!””Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.”No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
- Operation successful!! You can hear everything from now.
Did you say something?
- Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.
- Patient: Doctor, give me a medicine which will change my mood to an angry mood.
Doctor: You don’t need any medicine. One of my slaps will be enough.
- Mr. Jones: Doctor, my son is having a problem.He plugged up his ear and nose with chilies. Now he is screaming.Doctor: That means he is not eating properly.
- Doctor: The payment check you gave me has bounced back from the bank.
Patient: Because the disease you cured before had returned as well.
Hilarious Doctor Jokes
Funny Medical Jokes
- Patient: Doctor, I am having a strange dream these days. I dream that I have become a crow. What should I do?Doctor: It’s easy. Start eating garbage.
- Patient: “They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop.”
Me: “Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?”
- Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Rectum: Almost killed him
Red Blood Count: Dracula
- Patient: “No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door.”
Me: “I bet it was a little bit frightening.”
- Patient:“Yes, I thought they were gonna wreck my door!”
Me:“Hey, [Patient], c’mon, I just gave the first part of the song. Don’t leave me hangin’ here”.
- Catscan: Searching for kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: A punctuation mark.
- Genes: Blue denim slacks
G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball
- Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
- Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad
Pathological: A reasonable way to go
Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative: A letter carrier
Funny Conversational Jokes
- Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character
Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor: More than one, an extra pair
- A guy goes to the doctor.”Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.'””That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
- Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.”In over 20 years I haven’t because I try to remain professional.”With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria. “I’m sorry I really am, I don’t know what came over me, I promise it won’t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” said Bob.
- The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.””Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.””Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
- Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?To knock the penises off the smart ones.
- “Doctor doctor; I only got sixty seconds to live …””Can you wait there for a minute please!”
- Doctor: “Look, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”Patient: “Why?”Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you!”
- A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day’s activities when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”